Thursday, December 29, 2011

A completely scientific test for determining the relative awesomeness of a rock song.

Add 1 point for each of the 25 elements listed below that are present in the song being tested

1. A romantic encounter with a young lady is detailed

2. A crude sexual metaphor is used. (Anything involving squeezing some sort of fruit automatically qualifies)

3. A double entendre is converted into a single entendre by the phrase “if you know what I mean”

4. The young lady is a groupie

5. The young lady is a stripper and/or prostitute

6. The young lady is underage

7. Someone gets down on her (or more rarely his) knees

8. The young lady is mentioned by name and passes the “Yo” test. In other words, does her name sound right when used in the greeting “Yo [name]”.  For example, Gina and Connie qualify, Mary does not. (The Springsteen corollary)

9. He didn’t even know the young lady’s name

10. The young lady’s father is an impediment to the romance in question

11. Partaking of an alcoholic beverage is mentioned

12. The alcoholic beverage in question is specifically named (As long it’s beer or spirits, wine does not rock)

13. Illicit drug use is admitted

14. The drug in question is referred to by a slang name so as to fool “the Man”

15.  The song is about being in a rock band/seeing a rock band in concert/listening to a song by a rock band

16. The song is about how awesome and/or it sucks it is to be a rock band on the road

17. The lyrics uses the words party, boogie or rockin’

18. It’s Friday night and someone just got paid

19. Someone is rambling on in some fashion

20. Some sort of wheel is visible turning in the sky

21. Staying up past a reasonable bedtime is considered a desirable situation

22. The lyrics refer to a guitar as an “axe” or “six-gun”

23. The song has a second guitar solo after the third verse

24. The song features a non-standard musical instrument such as a cannon, chainsaw or storm siren

25. The immortality of rock music, even in the face of conventional societal doubt as to its continuing vitality, is celebrated

Award 0-5 points based on the sleaziness of the main guitar riff of the song.

0. Can be played at a Baptist church New Year’s Eve youth shut-in without comment (example: “Saturday Night” by the Bay City Rollers)

1. Rocks, but no one would be embarrassed if an elderly relative heard it when the song was background music of a commercial played during a Thanksgiving football game. (Example: “Rockin’ into the night” by ’38 Special)

2. It makes the 6th graders at a birthday party feel like they are 16 year-olds. (Example: “Talk dirty to me” by Poison)

3. It makes the “just saw each other for the first time in 20 years” couple groping each other in a dark corner of their reunion feel like they are 16 year-olds. (Example: “Beautiful Girls” by Van Halen)

4. “We were making out in his Camaro and I thought we were moving too fast until the radio started playing …”  (Example “Cat Scratch Fever” by Ted Nugent)

5. Repeated listening puts one at risk for certain types of STDs (Example: “Hot Legs” by Rod Stewart)

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

"Rock and Roll" Hall of Fame

I don't agree with every detail in Hampton's article but the main point is absolutely correct regarding the disdain for most rock by the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.